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Deviant for 9 Years
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Funerals are nothing foreign to me, but this one is alien.  I sit in the pew with tears like waterfalls, like I’ve never known before.  When my grandmother died I was too high to cry, too high to feel her loss even though she’d been the only one who had continued to believe there was hope for me.  I’ve been to the funerals of overdosers I had known but they never pierced my heart like this one.  This time everything is real, even as I try to lose it to the fog of the heroin I shot in the church’s bathroom.  This time the sorrow seeps into my bones and overflows despite the endless depths of my heart.

It’s strange to hear him referred to by his full name.  “Dereck was my protector and best friend when we were children,” his sister is saying in a voice whose tremors could fell skyscrapers.   But he hadn’t been Dereck in a long time.  He had been “Wreck” since we started stealing his father’s cigarettes in high school.  His father had been a volcano of abuse, and I knew that was why he let drugs into his life.  It started with Adderall and became a complex balloon figure with purposeless form.  A bullet train could not have stopped him any more than it could have stopped me from following him.

I never understood the desolation of his soul until we started shooting up, forcing him to roll up his sleeves for the first time in my presence and revealing all his scars.  His eyes plead with me to make him stop but I didn’t know how.  It would have been akin to ending the Earth’s rotation, a task I knew I was not equal to.  So instead I joined him and let his infection spread to my own heart.  I took his pain upon myself and we reveled in our agony.

I know his sister’s eulogy was beautiful though I hardly heard a third of it.  His use had hurt her most of all until she had to build up walls to keep her heart from breaking.  Of all the people in this building that I desecrate with my presence, only her tears could fill as many oceans as my own.  The walls of others were stronger than Sophia’s and they had all unleashed their tears long ago.

As Wreck’s father takes the podium I slip outside as silently as the ghost that now haunts me.  I cannot bear to hear his lies.  I light a cigarette and lean against the harsh brick wall.  Soon Sophia comes around the corner from the back exit and joins me.  She doesn’t smoke but she bums one off me for this special occasion.  We do not speak; we simply take comfort in the blanket of each other’s presence.

Sophia had been there every time Wreck and I had tried to quit.  She had left a hole in her wall just large enough to crawl through when such occasions arose.  Together we had always believed the lies that this was going to be the last time.  Together we watch as the coffin is borne out of the church and into the hearse.  Silently we get into her car and follow the hearse to Wreck’s final destination.  Numbly we watch as he is lowered into the ground.  I hold her hand as final words are spoken.  She always hated me somewhat because she saw me as an enabler, but today we draw strength from each other.

When we return to the car I light another cigarette and mentally rehearse my words.  Before I can perfect them I blurt out, “he said he loved me.”  A sob breaks free from the prison of my throat and I bury my head in my hand.  I hear Sophia bawling beside me, her short gasps of despair punctuating her sorrow.

“He left me a message telling me he loved me the night before,” she says without looking at me.  “Love” had never been part of Wreck’s vocabulary.  It’s then that we realize that his death was a suicide and that we were too late to recognize the signs.
  • Listening to: Pray For Me by Asking Alexandria
I need you in ways
you don't need me
your secret distaste
when you see my face

and when I can't believe
when I can't break free
you just watch me drown
you watch my life fade out

I don't need you
in the ways you need me
my secret affection
for your self destruction

and when I can't believe
when I can't break free
you just watch me drown
you watch my life fade out

together I feel so alone
apart I feel so close

and when I can't believe
when I can't break free
you just watch me drown
you watch my life fade out

life fade out
fade out
bullets in my back
a knife to carve my face
standing in a pool of blood
screaming into the void

I'll never know what my life means
I'll never know what death could bring
I'm longing for some reprieve
I'm trying so hard not to grieve

my life was over so long ago
just my body now remains
hollow as a ghost
vultures and cadavers won't save me now

you don't need to see
the scars that grace my bones
I don't need to see

don't tell me you've felt these teeth
that bless me with their disease
I'll tell you how it feels
but you'll never believe

and so I drown
before I can be found
and so I open my veins
before you can see

when I had nothing left
I should have ended it
now I let you down
in your tears I found

how many times can they test me?
how many pills can they retrieve?
how many hours have I lost
watching you watching the clock?
on both ends of the barrel
stuck in the stars
ready to part with my skull
puppeteering from afar

I'll die before your very eyes
I'll live because of your sweet lies
hope is lost within my veins
all your prayers are in vain

on both ends of disaster
watching my destruction
my soul will be discovered
when it's too late for contrition

I'll die before your very eyes
I'll live because of your sweet lies
hope is lost within my veins
all your prayers are in vain

too fast for this life
to slow for this death
double edged knife
deaf to your request

I'll die before your very eyes
I'll live because of your sweet lies
hope is lost within my veins
all your prayers are in vain

all die
all die
all die down
  • Listening to: Pray For Me by Asking Alexandria


Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
I'm just somebody who likes to write. I write novels, stories, short stories, poetry and lyrics.

Current Residence: In your head.
Favourite genre of music: Melodic rock, alternative, alt rock, screamo, electronica, techno, electro-rock, classic rock
Favourite style of art: I like too many styles to name just a few favorites.
Operating System: XP, Vista, Android
MP3 player of choice: Creative Zen
Skin of choice: Yours. Gimmie.
Personal Quote: "You cannot acheive your dreams while you are living in your nightmare."

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Trichardsen Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Professional Photographer
Thank you very much for the +watch. :bow:
kawaii-oekaki-chan Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Hey there :D
Just wanted to let you know I've moved to a different account, so if you're still interested in watching me, please go to my new account, here: [link]
I'm still in the process of moving, so I don't have everything up on that account yet, but I will soon, plus new stuff too :D
Thanks for your support, it means a lot :meow:
TVD-Photography Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2012  Professional Photographer
Thank you for the faves :huggle: ^-^
MattEdson Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2012  Student
Hey, I have just started a Facebook group for my photography. If you're on Facebook then could you please drop my page a like? It would mean a lot: [link]
Dawnmoon13 Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2012  Hobbyist
Thanks so much for all the faves!
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